It’s a shame that I am not a celebrity – not for me, but for Goose. While I’m content to report from the sidelines, she dreams of life as an international supermodel. While I’m happy to sit down with a good book of an evening, she spends her time endlessly grooming, fantasising that one day it will be her turn to stretch out and go to sleep in the spotlight.
Don’t get me wrong, she has had some success, despite my lack of interest in developing her career (it’s so hard to find a cat that’s happy to stay at home these days). For example, she’s modelled for Helmut Lang and Acne, among others (see below), but nothing major has come in because I’m not, say, Karl Lagerfeld.
The rise of Choupette is a particular scratch to Goose. ‘Aren’t I much cuter?’ she miaows. ‘Aren’t I so much skinnier under all this fur?’ I don’t know what to say – life is so complicated for the kids these days – but I’ll be damned if I’m going to apologise to a feline, regardless of how guilty I feel.
I will, however, show the world once again that I am a crazy cat lady and do another blog post about her. An i-D type profile, such as this, can’t hurt my pride as much as the sandpaper tongue she brushes across the soles of my feet while I’m pulling a shavasana. Here, kitty kitty kitty.
Tell us a bit about Goose…
Goose is her nickname. Her real name is Valentina Grandbor, but she’s also known as Possum, Fatty, G and Crumpet. She was born in the Czech Republic, but we came to know her in Dubai. We rescued her from the fake-nailed clutches of a Russian prostitute. Goose still bares the mental scars, though she now lives in a pretty suburb in central London.
How tall is she?
Knee-high to a Louboutin.
What are her pet hates?
Twitter, the theme tune to Silent Witness and sitting on human laps.
What are her favourite things to do in her free time?
Licking. Herself. The floor. The tip of your nose. Anything that is put in front of her face. It’s her signature move.
Crazy cat lady, over and out.
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